I wish I wasn't so selfish.
Looking back on past articles I wrote, I find mysefl writing about things that really aren't important. Thinking about things that should not even cross my mind. For this I feel like an emotional basket case. Why would I blog about every little detail that comes into my life?
Only one reason.... Attention. I have, for so long, been that tried to be there for my friends and family. But, I was doing so for all the wrong reasons. I would do things just to hear the praise and attention from another person. I would erase it from my sub-subconscious, and just go on with my life. I always wanted to belong to something, which I thought, was a great atmosphere. I threw away my college experience because I felt like I had a group of friends that I belonged in. That went the way of the do-do. I quit a somewhat descent job because I had a friend talk me into working with them. Which was a really dumb idea in retrospect. I did all these things, and for some stupid reason, I expected something back from it.
I would do things thinking of myself, instead of doing it just because it should be done. I recently noticed how my attitude has changed and how older I looked when I had to take another picture for my name badge, I thought to myself, "God, I actually look old for a change." Reason, wrinkles. I've been wearing a frown for a while, that I forgot how to smile. I've worn this frown because I only thing of myself instead of anyone else. Now look where it's gotten me. I realize that it was me, not my friends, that basically killed our friendship. I'd like to think that I'm not that bad of a guy, but I do have the jealous tendencies that could kill a perfect relationship.(friendship or otherwise.)
Now comes to the female at work I've wrote about. I told her I liked her, but didn't do anything about it. I take it personal when she says anything derogatory. It's because I like her, I took it personal. Same thing with the last female friend I had, I took it personal that she seemed like she didn't want to be around. Which made it awkward for the both of us. Now, the same situation has happened again and I lost the ability to deal. So I get angry, not healthy.
I woke up today with something different in my veins. Almost a feeling of content. I know that things can get a whole lot worse than what I think they are. I should just relax, take a deep breath, and forget about the past.
Here's to the future....
-mx-