Wondering what's next...

Published on March 13, 2005 By mada_ecks In Blogging

I sit hear at my computer, after a long, exhausting day, wondering what tomorrow holds. I wonder sometimes how my life really is going to turn out. I wonder what the future holds for me. I wonder how much energy I have left in the tank to handle the obsticals that await. Wondering.

I wonder how my grandmother is going to feel after she gets all her medical woes behind her. Wonder how she's going to handle the fact that she actually, might have to have surgery since it came down to it. I wonder what would have happened if I saw her more often. Would she not have been hospitalized again. Would she be in such good spirits that she would have willed herself from being sick. Wondering.

I Wonder if I had put more effort into it, would I not be so scared to ask this girl out at work that I have been talking to for a while. Wonder if she even likes me anymore since I've kinda been a jerk lately. I wonder if I didn't have a bad experience before, would I even think of this crap. I wonder if I had not been an ass to my ex would we still be together. Would everything be normal? Wondering.

All these thoughts. Why so late at night? Why do I think about stuff I can't change? Why do I perist on beating myself up over what might have happened anyway? I wonder if my dad didn't abandon me, would I be normal. To much to think about. Just to much. As I wonder what's next, I can't help but feel a mixture of apathetic, nostalgic, depressed, scared, and lonely. Why do I have these feelings? Don't know, but I'll figure it out as I wonder how I can finish of this guiness without making myself puke.

-MX-

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