I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about the turn of events that have come in my life. Thinking so much that I can barely sleep.
One question that has gone through my head is, "Have I gotten in over my head?" "Is there no coming back from how far I have fallen? What's next for me?" I've asked myself this over and over again, cause I have been wondering what it is that I am afraid of and what it is that I failed at.
It's life in general. I feel like I failed in life from the very first day I stepped foot into this world. The day I learned how to walk, talk and develope all the other important motor-skills, I have done nothing but underachieved. Funny, in my head everything seems to be going great. I give myself the sense that everything is good, then wham, something goes wrong. Then another, another, and then another. The next thing I know, the walls are closing in and I'm sinking to the bottom. Like I'm trapped in quicksand.
The false sense of security is the safety blanket that keeps us somewhat sane, then when something (or someone) bursts our little bubble, all hell breaks lose. It's hard to recover for some. These are the ones that tend to give up. Don't have anything to leave for. Then there are the ones that just roll with the punches, say "to hell with it", work harder and try to overcome all the adversity.
I'm somewhere inbetween. Anytime I have something go wrong, I try my hardest to fix it or make it right and make sure that it can be prevented in the future. (You live, you learn.) Then there are sometimes where I just want ot give up, slash my wrist and call it a life. Don't want to wake up and face the day. Face all the two-faced, self-centered people. They only add to my problems. Cause anytime I get some positive feed-back, I get a big head. Then I get a "reality check", and life gets harder after that.
Hard to breath, move, and think. Paralyzing. Trapped. Slipping further down. Like quicksand.
So sinks my treasure.
-MX-